fidesquaerens (marta_bee) wrote,

This is the realty: It is 6:59 PM and I'm away from work, in Washington Square Park. A minor miracle. I thought I had therapy tonight but apparently I got my dates confused and it's an off week. So I came all the way down here (which isn't so very bad after all), got some Russian dish I love (think pierogies but with grilled meat and sausage inside - don't know the name), and found out I have the time.

My therapist apologized I feel like I've been given a gift, or at least, that I ought to feel like I've been given a gift. Technically, there's nothing to stop me from just chilling out. The park is lovely. The weather is cool. There are chess games to be lost, and maybe some shopping to be done later.

I wasn't really in the mood for therapy tonight anyway. Actually, I feel like screaming or crying over work stuff, and I'm not entirely sure why. But just complaining about work is neither productive nor cheap on a therapist's couch. But anything else would have been performance art tonight, I'm afraid. Not a great occasion for introspection or soul-searching, and I sort of feel like a dodged a bullet there.

The reality is I live in one of the best cities in the world, and I have at least an hour of carved out time to enjoy it. This is a blessing, and a necessity.


This is the perception:

I want to scream. I don't know why I want to scream, particularly, when today hasn't been spectacularly bad. I could point to the factors, but they don't seem to cover it, subjectively.. Meaning I feel like this anger is me being weak, a sign I can't hack it because I just can't handle the normal. (And also am probably indulging, more-than-probably taking my bad mood out on others (though I know, when I think about it, I actually haven't been.)

Today was a short day: maybe 6 hrs in the office, another hour at home, and maybe 30-45 minutes of file-sorting on the train. Not *that* light for most works and made up for on other days but very light for me. So it feels like I haven't earned the time off, and there's certainly work still to be done. Meaning I actually feel a bit lazy, definitely that the specter is still hanging over me. Which isn't helping the first factor.

Again, perception: I hate my job. I know I need to find another one, which I seem unable to do. The usual excuse is the vicious cycle of not enough to do to properly search. But now I have tie after a comparatively light day and I can't make myself dive in. As if I have to. As if -- having suffered through a day that really could warrant some kvetching, if that would help -- I then have to subject myself to the equally degrading world of a job search. (It really is no fun!) I am trying not to think so hard about all the other things that keep me from doing this well. Lack of social graces, shot nerves, minimal self-confidence just now, and probably most of all, lack of professional connections I can use as references. (People who like me- Check. People I can tell I don't want my current job, though?)

The perception is that I am a self-indulgent do-nothing who desperately needs to be able to set boundaries, and that that's no one's failing but my own, who can't even properly unwind. And now that my therapist has apologized twice for the mix-up, I now feel a bit mocked, too, though I most certainly am not being.

But the reality is that it really is a lovely evening. The monkey-grinder between my ears cannot change that reality. *g*


In other news, an acquaintance over on Tumblr offered to put me in contact with the folks who used to run the now-defunct sherlockiansbepositive blog, which was a kind of anonymous love fest. The idea is I might get involved in helping run it again. I don't know if anything will come of it, but the prospect is quite nice. The reality (no self-deprecating perception here!) is I miss adminning, the structure and positive results, and would really like to take on some fannish project again if just for the structure.

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