fidesquaerens (marta_bee) wrote,

I am so very tired I think I could all asleep right here on the couch, sitting up. Unfortunately I still have work to get done. It's a good kind of tired, though, the tired of a long day where things went ... not smoothly, always, but also nothing major wrong, and where at the end of the day I wasn't totally drained. So there's that.

Yesterday I had therapy of my own, not physical but mental, and talked about some things with work. That seems to be what we talk about, but it also seems to be what's going on in my life. At least it's not like anything is ever really separate from anything else. I feel the need to have nothing be my fault more than is helpful because of times when it was really very important to feel safe and be able to defend yself, which goes back to yucky childhood. I get fixated on small details of work because my brain works too fast and when a close friend died years go the only way I could avoid "feedback loops" was to overthink minutia, consciously. It's kind of interesting seeing that kind of thing play out in this other context, and nice not to have urgent things to deal with.

One good thing: before therapy I ducked into a used record store in SoHo and found an Oscar Peterson record (yes, a record; I have an LP player because I like old music and the really quirky stuff isn't on Spotify or the like. Which may explainthe sleepiness and worn-outedness;"Georgia on MyMind" certainly isn't helping me wake up. But a slightly different version of all that is actually making me feel really, really nice. And somehow the fact that I "found" it, cheap and tucked away in an actual store, makes it even nicer. The thrill of the chase, you know.

I am tempted in the worst way to propose a paper for the conference dawn_felagund is presenting at. It's in my city, it looks like fun, and I do miss the fun of putting together an academic paper. On the other hand... I'm tired, I'm so worn out with academia and everything that reminds me of it, and I'm more than a bit shaken so I don't really feel like my opinion is interesting. But I've always wanted to talk about the parallels between the fall of Melkor and Augustine on the fall of Lucifer, namely why someone who was the most powerful of the Ainur and closest to Iluvatar's own mind would make choices that would ultimately make him lesser. Basically, whywould anything that is created so good and complete in itself choose to become bad, which is in medieval philosophy a step toward incompleteness, basically breaking themselves in the process. What is the temptation?

(Augustine's answer, and I think it applies to Melkor/Morgoth: utter independence and a desire for a dominion of his own, not just good work granted by Iluvatar. Melkor/Lucifer is so great, he wants to be his own boss because he genuinely does not see why he should be subservient to anyone. I think it would be interesting to walk through this, but I'm honestly not sure if it would be interesting to non-philosophers. Or if I want to put myself through that. It might be really fun though. I have a major case of the wibbles, here.)

I'm working on a piece built around John's blog for a remix exchange and while I think it will be decent, it's also feeling distinctly like a J-O-B. I think because I'm working within someone else's universe, but also because I seem to have lost my ability to write. I think it's tied in to the whole grad school and philosophy thing, because I seem much more deconstructive (i.e. analytic) than constructive. I miss it, and feeling like I have to write is not exactly fun at the moment. Though it also is because I am actually writing. The weird thing is I have so many ideas and really, really really want to write. I've heard people say that going into analytic disciplines destroyed their ability to be creative, and I wish I knew how to come back from that, as I'm not really using the analytic skillset I developed all that much either.

Ah, well. Back to work so then I can sleep. :-)
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