But there's something about that line that really, really resonates. Writing makes me miserable in its way. It's hard, draining and exhausting, and gruelling for the self-esteem. The only thing worse of course is wanting to write and being unable to. And I seem to have settled on the worst format for my temperament: one-shots mostly that always seem a bit too short for readers' tastes and take forever to percolate from a story idea to something with a definite shape. I'm not complaining, though I do wish I could manage proper novels or at least longer stories. I've tried; my brain insists on imagining the full world and then distilling it to a single moment that captures its essence like a well-framed photo. Which is hard and time-consuming and gives me a slow (some would say plodding) style. How much of that is actual method and how much is laziness, I'm actually not sure. But writing a story leaves me feeling incompetent until the moment the story comes together and it doesn't feel that way anymore. And not writing, that choked off feeling is much, much worse. Honestly, the only tolerable state of being is just having written.
I've hinted at it, but I am finally writing again. It's John's POV while Sherlock is in hospital, but it's more about Project Lazarus than Mary. (It was inspired by a challenge over at Tumblr that vulgarweed told me about, to write the deleted scene from the DVD.) And it stinks, so very badly, but I've managed 900 words so far, so... Yeah. Not quite the only tolerable state, but a step in that direction. And just writing even if it's bad is a relief because I have beta notes from both dioscureantwins and sjames_centre, and I do want to polish them off very badly.
In the mean time I've really liked reading and writing reviews. Its really nice to be reading and reacting substantively to good fic in a way I haven't since the MEFAs wound down. Speaking of, I've been wanting to read more non-pairing fiction so if you have any recommendations for genfic, in Tolkien or Sherlock or anything else you know I read, please feel free to share.
*ETA: Per Goodreads, the full quote is “It's hell writing and it's hell not writing. The only tolerable state is having just written.” Penned by Robert Haas. I can only hope he wrote it (or something similar) recently enough that he can have a bit of piece.