July 22nd, 2016


(no subject)

Here is my reality this week:

1 - I had a rather nice weekend when I actually got out and did stuff. Discovered a beach. Met up with some Tolkien friends (Dawn, Oshun, Periantari, a few others that aren't on LJ to my knowledge) and spent a full day just reveling in that, then went for a nice walk to pick up some stuff from a KMart, and generally didn't check my phone much at all.

2 - And then work happened. Lots of things, lots of lack of awareness and taking for granted, lots of bad attitudes from people not-me that's infectious after a while. And the current topper: I have a long conversation with my boss where I finally convince him (I thought) for why we really, really need to do things one way rather than another, we agreed, he says he'll get it set up if I'll just give him the link... and somehow within twelve hours I hear secondhand that we're going to go the other way after all.

Which is giving me whiplash, making me feel really manipulated, and generally not knowing up from down here because damnit I thought there was a glimmer of hope we could actually all get on the same page.

3 - I've been fighting all day going into all this, because I'm struggling not to make this the focus of my life any more than it is. I don't want to have to live in the misery, which kvetching seems to do, I don't want to have to analyze it. But I do want people to know it hurts and tell me I'm not weak and pathetic. I also want a hug and distraction that actually distracts. And I want to be able to leave work behind and not have that whole mess define me.

THe truth is I've been biting back tears all day, and my eardrums are killing me. And there are all these things I want to talk about - the Tolkien con, how much I loved the beach, a great new Sherlock gen story I found through the 221b reading group - but by the time I'm able to sit down to do it, it's the end of the day and I'm just too worn out spiritually for any of it. The Sherrinford fic is languishing, haven't worked on it in over a week. I like to imagine the fact that that bothers me is a positive sign, of sorts.

... And this post is probably the precise kind of thing I should avoid, because it feels like the navel-gazing I'm trying to avoid. Where's a new installment of Check, Please when you need it?